


Wilde Fucks A Watermelon

by Anonymous



Category: Rusty Quill Gaming (Podcast)
Genre: Allusions to knifeplay, Appetite, Art, Bard - Freeform, Bedroom, Boners, Comparing A Person To A Fruit, Cooking, Crack, Crack Relationships, Crack Treated Seriously, Creamy Sorbet, Desperation, Dirty Talk, Disco Stick, Don't Like Don't Read, Don't Try This At Home, Dwarf, Erections, Everyone Is Gay, Exhibitionism, Explicit Sexual Content, Face-Fucking, Fetish, Fetishization of Inanimate Objects, Fleshy Fuck Stick, Food, Food Fetish, Fucking a Hole, Funny, Gloryhole, Goblin - Freeform, Grapefruiting But Bigger, Historical Theorizing, Horniness, Horny, Hot, Human, Human Man, Humor, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I'll Be Waiting In My Office, Imagination, Impatience, Kink, Kink With Inanimate Objects, Kinky, Lemon, Lemons, Long Distance Relationship, M/M, Masturbation, Melon - Freeform, Melonfucking, Melonhole, Member, Missions, More Hot Than You'd Expect, Non-Consensual Voyeurism, Or Please Do And Tell Me How It Goes, Other, PUMP HOLE, PUMP THAT HOLE, Paladins, Pecker - Freeform, Penetrative Sex, Please Prove To Me That Oscar Has Never Actually Fucked A Watermelon, Polyamory, Pre established relationship, Prick, Rape/Non-con Elements, Reference to Ass Fucking, Romance, Salty Sorbet, Satire, Semihistorical Character/A Watermelon, Sex Toys, Sex with Inanimate Objects, Sex with fruit, Sex with the lights on, Sexcalibur, Smut, Smutty, Sorbet, THIS IS JUST SHITPOST, Talking During Sex, Temperature Play, That's it, The Watermelon Could Not Consent Because It's an Inanimate Object, Thievery, Threesome, Tool - Freeform, Uncomfortably Sexy, Voyeurism, Watermelon Shenanigans, Watermelon carving, Watermelonfucking, Watermelonhole, Willy - Freeform, Witticisms, Yearning, Yearning for Lovers While They're Away, You're Welcome, Your Final Grade Depends On It, all headcanons are valid, allusions to a threesome, as in wilde stole a melon from zolf, chef zolf, cleric of hope Zolf, cocks, crackfic, dick - Freeform, does a watermelon count as a sex toy, everyone is in a relationship, food fucking, foodplay, fruit fetish, fruit fucking, genitalia, humping, hunger, i'm gonna count it as a sex toy, irritation, no beta we die like men, penis - Freeform, puns, reference to face fucking, rod - Freeform, romantic, sexualization of inanimate objects, shitpost, throbbing, waste of food, watermelon, watermelon fucking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-29
Updated: 2020-04-29
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:53:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23904160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: that's it that's the story
Relationships: Grizzop drik Acht Amsterdam/Oscar Wilde, Oscar Wilde/Watermelon, Zolf Smith/Oscar Wilde
Comments: 13
Kudos: 37
Collections: Anonymous





	Wilde Fucks A Watermelon

**Author's Note:**

> what the fuck am I doing with my life  
> ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

Grizzop has a big head.

He wore it well. His eyes and ears were big, attitude even bigger. It worked. Wilde couldn't imagine him proportioned any differently.

In fact, his imagination seized on it in such a way that he startled when he walked into the kitchen and thought Grizzop was lying on the counter. An instant later, he had a laugh. It was a watermelon that he'd mistaken for Grizzop's head.

As his laughter at his own foolishness ceased, the gears began churning.

_ No _ , he thought.  _ That's a bit left of strange, even for you. Are you really that hor- _

He grabbed the watermelon and marched to his room, leaving a hastily scribbled note.

Judicious use of an awl, a paring knife, and a wooden dowel got the melon prepared to his satisfaction. (Hopefully, anyways. He would certainly put it and his satisfaction to the test.) He rummaged around in his box under his bed and found a dildo that was nearly identical to his own cock in size and shape (though his was sadly not blue and sparkly) and checked the hole he'd made. Didn't want it to be too small and get stuck, nor too big and not have a good tight grip.

He looked into the hole for a moment, chewing his lip. It was wet with juice. His mouth watered. His body had some other responses as well, the blood going hot and heavy to his groin and leaving him even more tickled at the foolish fancy he was about to engage in.  _ This is absurd. This is absolutely the most absurd thing- well done, me. _ He undressed quickly, frowning at the stickiness of his hand from the succulent pink flesh. Might as well get used to it. There would be a lot more where that came from, by the time he was done.

His cock was unsurprisingly interested, and he couldn't help but grin at the melon.

It didn't grin back, but Wilde's imagination was potent enough to assure him that the melon was just as interested in him.

_ Everything is simple if you just think about it _ , a reedy hunter-voice snorted in his mind. Wilde was pretty sure this had never been even peripheral to what he'd meant when he'd said it, but Wilde was a quick learner, and really, this  _ was _ so simple if he just thought about it. He wanted to get off, he saw an opportunity.

The head of his cock slipped into the hole cautiously, explorative and curious.

The one thing he didn't expect was how cold the wet fruit flesh would be around his prick.

He shivered, but his erection didn't flag. If anything, it was another tantalizing reminder of the pure depravity of what he was doing. And because was Wilde, this was only a bonus.

He sank his cock into the melon, breathing carefully, smoothing a hand over the top and letting his fantasizing run wild.

And when he pulled his hips back, he gasped at the unexpected drag and suction around his cock. An involuntary whine fell from parted lips. Oh.  _ Oh. _

He did it again. Again.

The urge to speed up was there. To take what he needed and fuck it hard, fast. Snap his hips and bend low and pant and drool like a brute in rut. But even like this, leisurely fucking the watermelon, he was still partaking in some scintillating debauchery-  _ leisurely fucking the watermelon _ \- so he kept himself steady, maintaining his dignity as long as he could with curious, probing thrusts.

The novelty and whimsy alone was exceptionally flammable for his libido, which more than made up for the… oddities. The temperature, for one. It was much cooler than Gri- than a person's mouth or any other part. And it didn't squeeze and flex around him. The flesh was sturdy, but had some give without any bounce back. It was still, like fucking a toy. Wet, frictionless, and there was that delicious unanticipated suction. He didn't let himself go harder, just riding the slow pleasure-more-pleasure, working up a sweat.

He closed his eyes and smoothed his hands over the melon, and in his mind's eye, it wasn't just a melon.

There was a sound, and he smiled as he continued to get his pleasure from the juicy, sweet fruit.

The door opened, and he provided the entrant with a perfect view of what he was doing- on the bed, on his knees, pumping hips, driving his cock in the melon.

"What's this about then, you wrote-"

Grizzop had just walked in, and he went wholly silent and still. Wilde beamed. He'd finally stopped the goblin in his tracks. It wasn't easy to get him to stop at all, and now he was perfectly frozen for long, satisfying seconds, long enough for Wilde to pump his cock in a few more times, making pleased humming sounds.

" _ Wilde _ ! What the- what- what are you….?" he finally cried. A splendid green blush was erupting on his chest, creeping up his neck and over his shoulders.

"I miss you when you're gone," Wilde demurred, snapping his hips to show him.

Grizzop just gawked, and Wilde was starting to be concerned that he'd actually broken him. He poked him. Verbally, that is. The watermelon wasn't actually Grizzop, much as it looked like him, and that was all he was poking. (For now.)

"I get so  _ thirsty _ . And sometimes I don't just want a drink, I want some nice," hump, hump, " _ juicy,"  _ thrust, wiggle, "melon."

Grizzop looked down at the watermelon, then back up at Wilde. He squinted.

"Are you telling me. You're fucking a watermelon. Cos you. Missed. Fucking me."

"It made me think of you, and thinking of you makes me so horny," he sighed. "I was desperate."

"I. I don't- I can't-  _ you think I look like a melon?!? _ "

"I think I get what I want, and I wanted to face-fuck the fruits of my flirtation," Wilde huffed, demonstrably moaning with his next thrust.

Grizzop just stared.

"Close the door and get over here," Wilde groaned, fingers gripping the melon and hungering for a warmer, silkier flesh.

Grizzop did neither of these, and crossed his arms over his chest. "That's gonna be a mess."

"I seem to recall you don't mind it filthy- took me so long to get the grasstains and mud and blood out of my trouser knees," Wilde said, huffing an irritated breath as he continued to fuck the melon.

"Grizzop, you've bloody-  _ mud tracks, _ all through the hou-  _ uh. _ " Zolf was suddenly standing in the doorway, looking over Grizzop's head.

Oh dear.  _ Should've closed the door. We're in trouble now, daddy's here,  _ Wilde thought, wry and a little panicked at getting caught. (This again did nothing bad for his erection- if anything, the thought just made him harder. At this point, he could've skipped the awl and just pumped his cock right through the rind, he was so hard.)

" _ Is that my watermelon?!?" _ Zolf cried, by now immune to the freezing shock effect Wilde's depravity often inflicted.

"You can have it back, I've got  _ my _ melon now," Wilde demurred, winking at Grizzop.

Grizzop's arms flew to fists at his sides, furious. "I am NOT-"

" _ I was going to make SORBET!" _ Zolf raged.

"You still can," Wilde said. "I've only touched a bit of it."

Zolf spluttered, horrified, and Grizzop's mouth dropped open again, back to stunned. Wilde laughed and fucked his melon.

  
  
  
  


Bonus: Wilde groaned, bending low, pumping his hips without rhythm, chasing his orgasm. His shot filled the melon and, with nowhere to go in the end of the hole he'd made in the flesh, it spilled out the edges of the hole, overfull, stuffed, seeping with sopping spunk and juice. "Grizzop," he hissed through gritted teeth, coming with his hands smoothing over the bald crown of the melon, lost in ecstacy and fantasy.

Bonus p2: Grizzop slammed a knife into the melon, making Wilde flinch back and yelp. He didn't hit anything but melon, though Wilde feared for his favorite feature regardless. 

" _ What  _ are you  _ doing! _ ?" he cried, as Grizzop swung himself up on the bed.

"Look, you're fucking a melon, I've got no idea what to say or do about that, so I'm just gonna join you," he snarled, twisting the knife in the melon. "This is fucking ridiculous and I can't understand anything, and this might help me to get it."

"Everything is simple if you think about it," Wilde smirked. Grizzop narrowed his eyes, knife still in the same melon that Wilde had his cock in, so he just swallowed and didn't say anything else.

**Author's Note:**

> you who made this happen- you fucking know what you did. this is your fault.
> 
> ilu


End file.
